Self-reliance
Filed under culture, family, people, rants
I am of the opinion that a parent should at some point be free of primary responsibility over a child. Say, when you are 18 freaking years old, you should already know how to feed yourself, do your own laundry, and wipe your own ass.
I know we Filipinos like bonding so much that we tend to keep several generations under one roof, but I don’t like it. To me, parents should already be enjoying the sunset of their lives when the children are grown. They should only be enjoying their lazy afternoons and dote on their grandchildren.
A child should move out of the family nest, if not upon reaching legal age, then upon getting married. That is the only way for the child to learn how to handle responsibilities. This might be hard to do in some circumstances, but don’t you think it is only fair that a child who still lives at home at least contribute to the family coffer and not totally depend on the aging parents? It’s not about the money, it is about the backbone. And although a grandparent can help watch over a grandchild, the parent still should have primary responsibility (especially the financial worries) over the grandchild.
I’ve been independent since I was 17, and financially independent since I was 21. I haven’t asked for a centavo ever since. I am not saying though that I am a model child. Far from it. I can’t cook decent meals for myself and I hate doing the laundry, but I don’t ask my mother either to do my chores for me.
What I am saying is that we should at least try to be self-reliant, to unburden our parents of the worries they had when they raised us and watched over us for several years.
You know why our country is so poor? I don’t think it’s because of the corruption in the government. I’d like to go back to the basic, and it starts in the family: so many of us do not have backbones.
Comments
It always depends on how the parent raised their child. I know a lot of people even 30 years old still always ask for parent help even the problem is too easy.
Parent should train their children to be independent, to do their own task for they will develop responsibility in later part.
i agree. sometimes parents do it supposedly to help their children, but it is not helping them. it is incapacitating them.
in relation to this, there sadly exists this notion of a lot of Filipino parents that children were born “para maiahon sila sa kahirapan.”
hence, these children are never really taught to be independent.
hence, we have mothers of eight or more who refuse free ligation services because their husbands do not allow them this liberty, because they believe their children will eventually alleviate them from poverty.
just a thought.
i don’t quite get what you mean in the last paragraph. free litigation services for what?
stox, the word is ligation. its when the fallopian tube is cut off, i think, so she cant have babies anymore. anyway, back to my blog, which i think is the origin of this issue, it really is sad to think that even with us, an independent couple, are still bothered by intervening parents who think they know better. though janix has stopped me from leaving him, im filing for an annulment after i give birth.
oh right. it’s ligation, not litigation! i must have been cross-eyed. kaya pala di ko naintindihan ang comment
no, this post was inspired by something else, not by your blog. i didn’t even know what the problems in your marriage were. are you sure about the annulment? the baby would need a father.
korek ka dyan, being independent is an act of maturity
hhhmmm… yeah, what you all have been talking here is true, about being independent. But frankly, i’m personally experiencing the other way around.
hahai, what should we do with parents who stop feeding themselves when they see their child starting off a career. What will I do with them when the time comes that I need to start my own family? hahaiz…
@jasmine
that’s a terrible dilemma to be in. personally, i wouldn’t mind helping out my parents, if they’re already too old to earn a living. after all, they raised me.
ahaha.. that is it - “if they’re already too old to earn a living”.
I also have a friend, he’s the eldest in the family and their youngest doesn’t go to school yet. I think he has 6 siblings. The time he started working in a computer shop (he’s an undergrad, imagine the salary of an undergrad here in CDO), his father stopped working and just passed all the financial responsibility to my “kawawang” friend. What a life!
As you said, we wouldn’t mind HELPING out. We would love to. But i guess you’ve gotten a glimpse of the scenario I’m pointing out. And sadly, There are many of this case in our country. This case even appears as much as the case of children still being dependent to their parents.
that is sad. you are right. the dependence problem can be reversed. some parents think that their children are sort of investments. maybe it’s because we have a culture of dependence–children to parents, parents to children, families to relatives. relatives who are more fortunate are expected to support the entire clan. if they don’t, people speak ill of them. so what did your friend do?
Kinda late to the party…
Just want to interject a little counterpoint–Japan has about the least independent people around, but they do have money. Not much of a healthy society in most respects, but money they do have.
@ nakajoe
at least they don’t stop working. that’s why. japanese are the most workaholic of all the people i know.
@ stox
natawa ako dito:
“relatives who are more fortunate are expected to support the entire clan. if they don’t, people speak ill of them.”
pero that’s abolutely right. I don’t know why most Filipinos think that way. Dahil sa na-identify na natin tong sakit na to- “dependence” virus, wa’g na nating ipasa ang epedimya sa mga henerasyong susunod satin.
’bout my friend: stox, pareho tayong lds, at lds din tong si friend ko. Hayon, he still hasn’t gone to mission.
@nakejoe
how come? how do they do that? that’s absurd.
@jasmine
do i know you?
@jasmine:
You’ve got that right. Going home reasonably on time there is almost impossible. If you ask me the only thing preventing them from overtaking the world economically is their terminal inefficiency.
@stox:
Absurd is a good word for it. I had a manager in his 40s who, with a wife and two kids, still lived with his parents with no plans of moving elsewhere, ever. It’s fairly normal there, and goes along with a predictable stock of horror stories of newly married women who don’t get along with their mothers-in-law.
But, however unhappy somebody may be about it, it’s rare to nonexistent that somebody tries to change anything. My personal opinion is that belief in the social structure takes the place of religion there.
I was independent from my parents when I was 12 years old. Financially independent from them when I was 16.
It’s awkward for people to rely on their parents if they are beyond 21 years old. Especially big boys who depend on their dads/moms. Okay lang sana pag temporary while in between jobs (say two months or less). Pero pag permanenteng dependency na, nakakawala ng, um, respeto.
@nakajoe
well at least your manager was working and not sitting at home waiting for his parents to feed him. would you know if he and his young family contribute to the expenses in the house?
@abaniko
12? 16? how did you do that? did you support yourself through college? man, that’s a feat!
it’s really awkward, but sadly some people don’t feel that way. just look around. it’s very common in filipino society.
there is really something wrong somewhere about most Filipino families, parents and children. it’s not really right to still be dependent when you’ve reach the age where you can fend for yourself. but come to think of it, i was thinking about the other way around - parents dependent on their children. and there are lots of them. they think me utang na loob ang kanilang anak, na may obligasyon sa kanila pag nakapagtrabaho na. what i know is ‘ala sa batas ang bayaran ang magulang pero nasa batas ang palakihin nang maayos ang anak.
sometimes it’s the parents’ fault din bakit nagiging palaasa ang anak. sinanay nila at pinalaki na palaasa. di binibigyan ng responsibilidad. and with the present generation, a lot of them are like nails - bumabaon lang pag pinukpok.
amen to all that you said. kaya nga hindi tayo umaasenso eh. kasi pag may umangat ng konti, pull down kaagad. pulling down doesn’t necessarily mean destroying someone. it could also mean becoming a burden to people around you.
@stox:
In my managers case, mostly likely. He was making fairly good money. There *is* a national problem however with NEETs (Not in Employment Education or Training), who don’t, just existing at home and paying nothing.
And there’s the issue of middle-aged to older men who still depend on their 80+ year old mothers to cook and do laundry everyday–and most of them actually do not know how to do these tasks. Worst are the ones who take pride in not knowing how.
i don’t understand. why is japan so rich then?
@stox
yep. from cdo.
im quite surprised too with the things im reading here about japanese family tie. I heard and read about how closely knitted japanese families are (i think most asians are), but i haven’t imagined they could go this extent. Phew! yep, i totally agree… that really is absurd!
In my opinion, the reason that Japan is rich is that they figuratively carve it out of their own flesh.
Until fairly recently anyway, everybody there does what they’re supposed to. Men spend their lives working for some company, whether they like it or not. Women spend their lives doing all the housework and doing pretty much all the child-raising, whether they like it or not. People break themselves trying to fit into their social roles, but the economic system as a whole works on virtue of the sheer amount of labor being put into it. Turns out it’s very possible to rich and miserable at the same time.
late comment..
agree ako sa entry mo! ako din, i was independent at the age of 11. at 15, half of my needs, i provided for myself. at 19, completely financially independent.
some mothers say (at least, my grandmother does), they cannot afford to see their children in need. but for me, it’s not about abandoning the kid. it’s about building the character, the strength to accept what the world has to give. if the child keeps on depending upon his parents, when will he stretch his boundaries and know what he can bear? based on my own experience, i became stronger emotionally because i surpassed challenges that i thought i cannot do. with that knowledge, i am assured that i can always tough it out.
close family ties are good in itself, but when it borders on over-protectiveness and too much dependence, that’s when it loses its charm.
well said.
just another thought: for me, it’s a lot better if a child works for his/her education - and not have the parents provide everything to them.
why do we have lots of college students who can’t make it to graduation? kung makapaso man, after 7-9 years pa of shifting courses. obviously, they lack the motivation.
let’s take US as an example. US universities are very expensive especially those universities who topped the list. a kid who goes to college works for his educational fund, if not everything, but at least he contributes to his educational fund. now, if you’re that kid, earning money with which you could buy the latest gadgets and travel around places you like, yet opt to delay these pleasures to pursue a degree (kasi nga naman, alam mong wala nang ibang taong may responsibilidad na pakainin ka). makakayanan mo bang hindi maseryoso i-pinaghirapan mo yan. pinagsisikapan mo dahil yan ang gusto mong maabot.
now back to philippine setup. kids here don’t have that much motivation because, relating again to the issue of dependence, he’s confident that somehow, someone will manage to provide him with his needs.
@jasmine
and yet they are very rich. that boggles me.
@nakajoe
but that’s contradicting what you said earlier. you said the unemployed in japan was a problem. if everyone does what they are expected to do, why then is unemployment a problem?
i’m also guessing that japanese families stay together under one roof because of the lack of real estate, especially in tokyo. i think i read about that before, but i’m not sure. you lived in tokyo, right? is the case less common in less populated cities?
@twinkle
wow. independent at 11? you were just child! were you really on your own at that age, or were you living with relatives?
@jasmine
most college kids in the US, including the better-off, take jobs to help pay for their expenses and college tuition. many of them pay their way through school. on the other hand, it is not usual for college kids here to even work part-time. i wouldn’t blame it all on the dependency problem though. there’s not even enough jobs for the adult population, so how can there be jobs for those who are still in school? i think many employers make degree holders their priority because there is too much supply of degree holders to even consider those who do not hold any degree.
also, study loads here are way heavier than those in the US, so balancing work and school is harder. it only takes four years to get a degree in engineering in the US and they don’t have board exams. in the UK and other countries with british-based educational systems, it only takes three years to get a degree. if my memory serves me right, UK only has around 300 universities. in the philippines we have thousands! and yet we are in no way smarter than the british and the americans. i think it has to do with the way our education is handled. i’ve been trained in the US twice and i work with americans everyday, so i can very well tell the difference between the training here and the training there. our education (and training) here focuses on the theoretical, on known. we are taught to know. the more you know, the better. in the US, however, education focuses on how to apply knowledge. the more you know how to apply the little that you know, the better. no wonder the US leads the world in product innovation and design and process improvements. in the UK, too, the focus is on making students think.
yes, thanks for bringing this up. i once talked about this with my mom, that if ever I have, in any way, the chance to do service for the country, that would be to help education system here get better. yes, ironically, study loads here are way heavier than it should be. based from personal observation, we also lack specialization in some fields of education. one good example is the course I took up. heard of Electronics and Communications Engineering? you can’t find that in the US and europe. what you can find there - around 5 different specific engineering courses that comprises our 5-year ECE curriculum in the philippines, not to mention, major subjects are started taken on our 3rd year (what’s on the 1st 2 years? subjects that were and supposed to have been taken during high school). now comes the board exam: except for math, you’ll be amazed ‘coz only less than 50% of the questions were taken during college and review courses. next - job description: estimate of applied knowledge acquired in college = 1-5%. jack of all trades, master of none! well, that’s only for ece. i don’t know with other courses. but generally, there are really subjects that aren’t necessary on each course. I think, 4-5 years college period should be maximized and focused for any particular course.
that’s the reason why a british degree takes only three years to finish–they don’t spend the first few years taking up general education subjects, because those subjects should already be taken up in high school. ours is patterned after the american system. but that can’t be the cause, though, because the americans are still doing a much better job at handing out quality college diplomas, despite them requiring students to take up general education subjects.
that’s a noble cause you have there, but how do you plan to go about that? how do you plan to change the educational system? i don’t have any ideas. the problem is too entrenched in our culture. it’s really more than the educational system, i think. it’s the way we as a people think. why do i think this way? because there are rare schools who do teach their students to think. i went to one. and yet, the thousands of graduates that the school produces each year are swallowed by the system. although initiating change is already a part of who they are, they can barely make a dent in the system. in fact, they are scorned whenever they try to initiate a change, whether in business, politics, work, or even in their personal lives. in true filipino fashion, people bring them down because they think the ideas are absurd. they are afraid of change. they find holes in every idea. for them, there is no good idea. they’d rather stick to the way things are, even though they know it sucks. they would rather complain and blame someone else. trust me, i should know.
@stox:
An interesting problem, isn’t it? Unemployment at the same time there are a lot of idle workers? Asahi newspaper has had some good articles on this lately.
The vast majority of companies there will only hire new college grads. Any older, and no hire, no matter what. Getting laid off at 30 or 40 is a virtual sentence to homelessness, because you’ll never work at another decent job in your life. No matter how desperate a company may be for skilled labor, the jobless 40-something will never be hired for reasons that have no logical base. Although I’m only familiar with Japan, it sounds very similar to your last comment:
“people bring down because they think the ideas are absurd. they are afraid of change. they find holes in every idea.”
And for the record I have no clue why the US is comparatively rich. Natural resources maybe? I’m less than impressed by our educational system, and the country is depressingly full of the lazy and willfully ignorant.
lol. come to the philippines then and experience our educational system! i was only lucky because i got into a decent university, that’s why i am better equipped, but we’re only a miniscule percentage of the population. many of our schools here are only diploma mills. the focus of the many is on getting that diploma, rather than getting an education. there’s a difference. the schools are happy to oblige because the owners get rich from the tuition money.
@stox:
try to look on the other side of the picture. what you have seen might not be included in your own world. every family has their own struggle. frustrations, uncertainties, injustices, marameng factors sa dependency. if you’re going to survey on the lowest class families you would know the reasons. it’s easy for some to say to-depend and not-to-depend to parents or vice versa without trying to look the other way around.
you make it sound like i come from a moneyed family, and that i don’t know any better.
that’s definitely not true.
although i agree that every family has a struggle, i still think that family members should try to be independent.
uhm maybe i thought it wrong… cheers!
that’s okay. i wasn’t mad or anything.